Torpor

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Wasted Times

Crappy autopilot

How many years has it been now, that I have been in a state of torpor and lethargy? My mind and body writhe, and this entire pickle of a condition is honestly deplorable. There has definitely been atrophy, more mental than physical. I thought my problems was relatively easy to solve, no they are not. I'm barely scraping the surface everytime and calling it a day, but the core itself is broken. This is what I do: It feels great to relax and not worry about anything. Problems will take care of themselves. The future will be fine. I just gotta exist. There. Ahhh. Feels great. And then I wonder how the issues slap back at me. I have developed a massive respect for people who are ripped or consistently fit. It takes a lot of effort and discipline to stay fit, the person's fortitude manifests on their body. Any change I try to take up, my mind now resists; it has so gotten used to nothingness, it opposes every new thing. What a pernicious way to live! Plans are always made, goals mapped out, only to never be followed up. Also sitting is baaad for me. Especially during the lockdown, I sit lazy at home all day, and I'm bombarded with inane thoughts, or sometimes not even that. It's like I'm on a crappy autopilot. Once I go for a walk after days of procrastination, my vision is unobscured, and I feel like I can make a dent. A day of sitting and I'm back to square zero.

The case for discipline.

Sometimes I feel like I should be kidnapped, kept under duress till I lose all my addictions and body fat. Sometimes, I feel like I should join an army kinda program where I have no choice but behave. But then, I've realised that it won't solve the problem. What I'm missing is exactly what I want to avoid dealing with: discipline. The restraint, and fortitude are exactly what I lack. That's the core I talk about. Also culpable is the lack of consequences; my parents have simply given up on me, or they have their own things to worry about, or they love me too much; this is no one else's responsibility but mine. They always care for me, never blamed me for anything; I gotta make things right. Another insidious factor is the lack of clear headedness to see what I've lost. I lost a career, a whole life on the other side of the globe, and I never think about it except during moments like this. Self preservation can do that, make you crave more of the ugly fruits, while turning your head away from the acres of fields you are burning down.

It's a lifestyle thing.

It's not one single aspect, that needs to be fixed. It's not a one week thing. It's an entire way of life. Oh my, what great things I can achieve if I actually put an appreciable effort into this. I like to believe that I have a relatively gifted mind, and can do some things with ease. But again, I'm inclined to stay put and not put much mental effort for long periods of time or into future proofing. I get many kicks, but the intentions don't last. For example, I was watching a roadside vendor, and her kid sitting by the road, in their own world. That pulled some string inside me. How much can be done! I have everything I asked for, and I sulk in the corner for nothing. Jeez. Serious problems.

The need for a game plan

During moments like this, when I'm awoken, the big questions always haunt me. What am I here for? What I can I do eventually? I see all the potential and the possibilities ahead, and it brings chills every single time. However, being passive all these years has also quashed and impeded my ability to think big, or envision about the grand future. I can still sometimes imagine incredible things, and I hope periodic future think sessions can rekindle some of the fire I once had.

Love, Su