Square Zero

Homesick for a place far away

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...before that, I had a perfect life in the US; I could wake up anytime, show up for classes, laze around, go shopping in the bus, play games, take long walks, rush to finish assignments, have amazing weekends, listen to great music, blog and chill.

Both are gone now, and it's my fault. I feel really sick, and I just want life to go away, and take all the suffering with it. I miss something that I relinquished, and repent every second that I spent during the 2 years at Master's.

This is really new to me; I was homesick during my Master's too, but that was different. I had grown up my entire life at basically one single place, and for the first time in my life I was alone at the age of 22. I was living a completely alien life, and the entire world was new to me. It was hard at that time, but I dealt with it eventually.

But the feeling I have right now is inexplicable. I only stayed there for 2 years, I barely made friends, I barely went out, and I barely left home. But I miss a lot of things about that place. It's because I had stashed away all my feelings when I was going through a phase, not finding work and dealing with news of my father's ill health. But now it has come full circle to haunt me. The only way I can deal with this is by addressing it, and hopefully finding some inspiration along the way. Let's make a list of things I miss about the US:

Listening to music on the bus on my way to the University. The route 9 bus, the route 35, and the occasional route 12. The way the bus stopped and the voice prompt went off announcing the stop.

Gator nights! Taking the empty bus in the night, going for bowling, checking out the events for the night, and having loads of fun, and oh, watching movies for free in the auditorium. Subliminally feeling that every girl is gonna check me out ;)

Going to Walmart for grocery shopping ever so often, making lists and completing them. Buying extravagant amounts of ice cream and chocolate!

The first failure of college life, and how I went for a walk listening to Stolen Dance, thinking I'm gonna turn it around the next semester.

Actually studying effing hard, scoring A- in Algorithms, hanging out with Yuv and prepping for the 3 exams.

The late nights walks with Yuvaraj! Can never forget those. I'm not a sucker for people, but that man has left an impression on me. I aspire to one day be as thoughtful, prudent, disciplined and tenacious as him. We would take breaks during study to go on walks in the chilly night. We would talk about everything under the sun. Till date, cold air reminds of those walks every single time.

Getting out of a slump in the final semester with Bharath, working our asses off trying to make sense of the assignment in Programming Language Principles, and finishing it, studying hard for the exams, and scoring A- in that as well. The daily visits to Library West, and then the Veterinary Library, getting a conf room together and working to finish the course, and subsequently prepare for jobs was a joy.

The period we were both homeless for a few days, living at (Newell Hall?) trying to not arouse suspicion. The grind to learn leetcode problems.

In spite of not being successful, I have pleasant nostalgia thinking about Newell Hall.

The crazy trip to Louisiana, playing Dumb Charades with Aditya and Rishabh (my maaan), and the shenanigans there.

Watching Yuv come back as a confident man, going to Everglades with the gang.

The first time I went out for drinks with the gang for New Year's Eve, getting shitfaced, and lose all sense (love you Kanna).

The time we went to a random Professor's Thanksgiving party in a random's car, seeing the other side of Gainesville for the first time in awe at the peaceful stretches of homes, having great food, spewing nonsense about randomness for my Thanksgiving speech, and a random man at the gathering telling me he liked my thinking.

The times we would go out for movies together in the nights, walking through Butler plaza.

Being generally lost in awe at what life had to offer.

Watching plays at the University for the first time in my life (thrice), attending a tap dancing show, a weird art exhibition.

Divergent thinking class! The only one I liked and couldn't wait for.

All of it feels like a dream that I forgot everything about, and yet so palpable.

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