Square Zero

Finding purpose

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There's a little jester that keeps picking at the recess of my brain every day, every moment. It's incessant and relentless. A simple question is all it keeps asking; yet there's no answer to it and hence I writhe and squirm every waking second inside my head. It asks, "what's your purpose, man?"

I fumble, I prevaricate, I confront the reality, all to no or little effect, because there's simply no answer. There are moments of true inspiration and rushes of thoughts when I genuinely feel like I've cracked it, but it's all a sham. Intoxication, bad habits, instant gratifications and turning off the brains worked, but for how long? Would've been rad if I was caught up all my life in blissful ignorance, but there's another force kicking the doors inside, and it says, "So this is how you'll spend all of the fucking days of the rest of your life, huh? Seems dumb." I feel unutilized; like I'm withering my life away while I could be wreaking havoc somewhere. The problem, is that I don't know what that place is. The place where I can hammer away at the big problem day after day, and get back to it with resolve, and a sense of purpose every single day.

Some days, when I effectively mask the jester, I just want time to pass and not do anything. I lie down, laze around, and fixate my eyes on the computer screen without any definite aim. I feel like a machine, without a mind of my own. Just sign me up for cryosleep and wake me up when the ai overlords harness us for problem solving.

When I'm not slumbering away intoxicated, or I'm not in the zero fucks mode, there's a couple of things that get me excited. Ai, code and biology get me every time. There's something thoroughly fulfilling in trying to understand how things work, seeing past the abstractions, and trying to reverse engineer stuff. These things seem the most fun to me, but it's an ocean. I like doing art stuff, but it's just a side thing. Same with work; I get some dopamine but I know that's not where the holy grail is. So what do I do?

Some people tell me it's all about having fun, and living in the moment; I do genuinely get it, and have actually learned to chill out and vibe; but the little fucker in the head keeps poking at me. He wants me to do something, and I do not know what it is.

Of course, I can settle for complacency and mediocrity; I have indeed been successful at it, but I feel like it's time to find out what my calling is. The key to it is being disciplined and really really focused; the current me is the definition of a rotten 21st century zombie. I consume insipid content 24x7, I doomscroll without purpose, memorize utterly useless trivia, work my brains on insignificant things, or don't work my brains most of the time, doing things first and retro processing events. I've stopped doing things with a purpose. I just do. When you surround yourself with things, devices, people, and ideas that are pointless, mediocre and vain, it's hard to focus. Maybe it's time to change that. I mean, it's now or never. Also, something that's caught my attention is this thought "If you're really good at something, you'll be known for it" I mean, I don't want to be famous, but just the idea that it's a really powerful thing to be insanely good at some thing, any thing, is insane. The key might just be this- train everyday, surround & occupy yourself with the things that you want to keep doing, and maybe one day inspiration will hit you. Even if it doesn't, you are still having fun and you feel fulfilled. Have a purpose to each day, even if it's insignificant. Having a routine has immensely helped me. Be passionate.

So yeah, it's just the time to find out what my calling is. Purpose is what I shall find. That's my purpose for now.

Side note: I feel like blogging and writing again, so I might just dust off the dormant lists on my notes app, and write passionately about bizarre, outlandish and deranged ideas, and fiction too.

Love, Su

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