Square Zero

Box of Issues

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A long time coming.

I have issues. I have lots of them. It’s high time I spit them out, or my brain will implode from this never ending cycle of rumination. Let’s unpack this mess, one issue at a time. And before that, let’s try to brainstorm our way through why this will be the panacea.

The monster lurks inside.

So, I’m an introvert, by definition. I like to spend most of the day thinking about what I want, what I’m doing, how things are going with me, and what I should do. However, I wouldn't share what I felt with anyone till I started vlogging and now, I share my thoughts occasionally with the internet (myself).

One thing I have been discovering about myself over the past few weeks is that I hoard feelings, issues and the state of my mind inside my head for long periods till they fade out, and try to go through the motions without confronting them head on. It fires back spectacularly, and precious time (often days or even weeks) is wasted while I toil through office and home ignoring this giant elephant staring back at me. Of course, this way of life has its own benefits, one being not spending too much time on companions (another article, hopefully) and a panoramic view of self (Is it really, though?), paving the way for prudent judgements / ideas.

But as it turns out, it’s not really worth the loss. I trap myself in loops, and I’m plain frustrated and confused most of the time. I want to do something, but I’m not sure what it is. I know I don’t lead the life I want, but I don’t know what to do about it. The feeling of helplessness and the pent up anger only take me sideways, missing the point.

So, let’s face them now. It’s now or never. This is me, flawed and imperfect. This is me, bruised and hurt, from myself. It’s time to face this reality, and strike a fear in the guy who lurks beneath my skin, hiding in the recess of my mind. I’ve let this guy run my soul for a while, and it’s time to take control again. Let’s talk about the fact of the matter, and work on defeating this monster.

Materializing the Box

I’ve theorized that writing/recording what I’m feeling gives it a marker. The feeling is now a tangible object, with a shape, one that I can quarantine away, and choose not to look at or think about. It leaves my brain, and is trapped in this magic box that I create. Problem solved! My head is clear, and I can now face the future head on. What’s left now is making plans and actuating them as a transparent process. Let’s do this right, let’s do it now. Whatever brings me down is going straight to the archives, and I will look at it in all its glory, analyzing me from the outside. This is me you’re looking at; I have put myself out here, and I want you to look at me, in the most sordid form. It honestly feels naked, but that’s exactly what I wanna do.


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